I Should Have...

Several years ago I was at a Relief Society Enrichment Night activity and one of the women was talking about how we all, but specifically women, like to torment ourselves with guilt. We may not think we do, but we all recount the things we should done.

She explained that the when we say the word should we automatically feel guilt. I should have worked out this morning. I should have done the laundry. I should have done this differently. She suggested that instead of using the word should, we use the phrase "I would have liked...". For example: I would have liked to take the dog for a walk. I would have liked to have gone for a walk.

Now, I can't say that by doing this I feel less guilty, but for some reason I feel more inspired to try again tomorrow. Maybe that's the key. The guilt from "should" makes me feel like I missed the boat, it's too late; what's done is done. The guilt from "I would have liked..." is a building block and a checklist item.

So today, I would have liked to take a vacation day. Maybe tomorrow. :)

A Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

     You are ridiculous at times – just thought you’d like to know. Sometimes you frustrate me. You make decisions, and then you freak out. In this particular instance, you made a decision and it took you four months to reach that point, which is improvement, but please. It took one moment of doubt to make you want to change your mind. Luckily, you are not a quitter (and if you doubt that, say it again). You have made big decisions before and you will continue to do so. In all cases, things turn out just how they are supposed to.

     Yesterday you remembered a great talk entitled “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence” by Jeffrey R. Holland. One quote in particular stands out and you must remember this: “Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.”  Certainly, the decisions you make will not always be simple or easy; sometimes they’re downright scary and very complicated. You like to play the “what if” game, imagining every possible scenario (usually worst case scenario), forgetting that you are not in this alone. Self, remember - you did pray about it, you do trust and you do live for it…so go forward and see the beauty of life unfold.

     The next phase of your journey soon begins. Though there are certainly things that can cause you anxiety, everything will be fine. Life is like a roller coaster – hang on for the ride. Just like a roller coaster, this ride will be full of twists and turns and will fly by so quickly and before you know it, the ride will be over. Don’t take a moment for granted. Live in the present, savor each moment, and whatever you do, “cast not away therefore your confidence.”

Sincerely, and with great hope for the future,

Cristy

How do you feel?

Sunday night we had a fireside where the topic was feelings. In announcing this to members of our ward, each time we said the word “feelings”, people shut down – you could see it happening. We weren’t sure how the turnout would be, but we had a full room…almost every chair full. The guest speaker was a therapist who works with people who deal with addictions. She said that when people have feelings they don’t understand or don’t know how to handle, they turn to addictions of one variety or another to mask those feelings.

She taught us how all feelings can be traced to either fear-based or love-based feelings. So, if we ask ourselves what we’re feeling (pride, anxiety, happiness, etc.) we can determine what motivates us. She shared an example of this from her life. She said she was going on a business trip and they have two cars; one that is really fun to drive, the other not so fun to drive. Her husband told her that it would be better for her to take the not so fun to drive car. She insisted that she would be fine in the “fun” car and took off. She made it to her meetings and was ready to return home. On the way, a state patrolman let her know that she had exceeded the speed limit of the area she was driving in. She said that her very first thought was that she wanted to hide it from her husband. She explained that she is a very honest person and doesn’t keep anything from her husband, and how in this situation, it was her first reaction. She said that as she was driving, she was thinking about this and was trying to determine why this was her first reaction. She thought about embarrassment, but realized that she had embarrassed herself enough in life that she knew it wasn’t it. As she kept going through reasons, she thought about pride and she instantly knew that it was the one (she said that the feeling you usually fight in yourself are those you dislike in others). Once she was able to identify what it was, she was able to deal with it head on…and she even called her husband and told him what had happened.

Another point she brought up is that life happens so quickly that we rarely have time to process what we are feeling before the next emotion hits us. She encouraged us to take time to discover the root emotions we face; either love or fear. If it is fear based, we can determine exactly what it is, and then transition it to a love based feeling. We really are in control of our emotions. Growing up, one of my parents’ favorite sayings was that no one can make you mad; you let yourself get mad (which in turn would only make me angrier). After this discussion, I realize just how in control we are and I’m grateful I learned that now and can implement it in my life.

He Will Bless You

I was feeling a little let down today…not really depressed, but disappointed. I’ve been working really hard at certain things in my life and I have been feeling that despite my best efforts, things just aren’t happening. I started writing down my disappointment when the song “Dearest Children, God is Near You” came on my iPod. This is the second time in my life where this song was an answer to prayer, and maybe not so much a prayer, but a silent plea for comfort and direction.

The first time was a couple of years ago when we were living in Boston and I was asked to give a talk in church. Generally I am comfortable preparing a talk for church and usually feel good about my efforts. This particular instance, I remember I had worked on this talk every day for a week. It seemed that every time I sat down to work on it, I would read over it and know that it wasn’t right. I would scrap that attempt and would start over, praying for direction as to what I should say. It was Saturday night and I had made what I considered my final attempt, but as I read it, I still wasn’t quite satisfied but I didn’t know what else to do. I prayed about it again and then went to bed. When I awoke on Sunday morning, I woke with the lyrics to the first verse of this song in my head, specifically the last line – “He will bless you, He will bless you, If you put your trust in him.” So, that’s what I did. I woke up, putting my trust completely in Him, and rewrote and finished that talk. I can’t tell you what I spoke on that day, but I will always remember that experience.

Today, the entire song was exactly what I needed. At this particular moment, I was writing what I was feeling, though I knew the thoughts were untrue, and I wanted to get it on paper to get it out of my head. I stopped my writing when this song came on and knew in an instant that everything is going to be fine. Things are going to work out exactly like they are supposed to. I am not forgotten by my Heavenly Father, in fact, He is acutely aware of me, my needs, and my dreams. As I prove faithful, He will continue to bless me. I know as I follow the Spirit, I can’t go wrong. The decisions I am making now are made after careful consideration, sincere prayer, and with the guidance of the Holy Ghost. With such preparation, how can I fail? Things may not turn out how I expect, but I will continue to be blessed and loved by my Heavenly Father. And so will you!

Just in case you’re not familiar with the song, I have included the lyrics below:

Dearest children, God is near you, Watching o’er you day and night,

And delights to own and bless you, If you strive to do what’s right,

He will bless you, He will bless you, If you put your trust in him.

Dearest children, holy angels Watch your actions night and day,

And they keep a faithful record Of the good and bad you say.

Cherish virtue! Cherish virtue! God will bless the pure in heart.

Children, God delights to teach you By his Holy Spirit’s voice.

Quickly heed its holy promptings. Day by day you’ll then rejoice.

Oh, prove faithful, Oh, prove faithful To your God and Zion’s cause.

What matters most

As I was blog-stalking today, I came across this touching story. This family is dealing with loss...4 months ago it was their son, Noah. Now, it is their husband/father, Aaron.
In case you've lost perspective...it's all about family. I don't want to let another minute go before I tell my dad that he's my hero and that I hope I marry someone just like him, or that I look up to the example of my mother and that I'm becoming more like her everyday. I want to tell my sister that even though she's younger, I am so incredibly influenced by her and I'm impressed by how wonderful she is. I seriously want to be like her when I grow up. I want my older siblings, their spouses, and children to know that even though I don't know them well (but that I'm getting to know better), I think of them often and love hearing of the things happening in their lives. I love seeing them with their families and hearing of their successes and joys. I'm proud of the things they've accomplished and who they are.
So, even though life gets busy, the demands of work bombard us and our family life gets hectic, remember that they are what matter most. Be grateful for every day that you have with them.

What Matters Most

Friday night Lori and I had a quiet night in and watched a movie on Netflix called The Lamp. If you have a chance, watch it!! It has such a GREAT message and it really puts into perspective what matters most in life. I won't spoil it for you because I really want you to discover this one for yourself. However, I will tell you what I learned (or I guess remembered). I learned that no matter what, there is nothing more important than love and family. I learned the power of believing. I learned that anything work having is worth working toward and fight for.
I learned that there is nothing more important to me than my family. I learned that no matter what happens in life, we can control our reactions. I learned that we have the power to love and to affect people's lives. I learned that we should never underestimate ourselves and our abilities, even when we feel like we're struggling. I learned that when we are wishing for things, we are not the only one wishing and in fact, we may, by our actions, be the answer to someone else's wish.
Just Believe!! (Seriously, watch this movie. And, if you don't have Netflix, come over. I'll provide the movie, you provide the tissues!)

Obedience and the Cream Puff

Well, it was actually an entire batch of cream puffs. I’ve been making cream puffs for years. They always turn out good, if I do say so myself. I would even consider myself fairly satisfied with the end result, though I always thought it could be better.

Several weekends ago, Lori had her last day of work in the bakery and she wanted to take a treat in to share with everyone (and when you work in a bakery, what else do you take but baked goods??). She decided that she wanted to take cream puffs, so we got to work. I was determined that since these were not for my own wants, I wanted them to be perfect. So, I took out the recipe and followed it exactly! None of this “well, it looks like it might be done”, or “its close enough”. I wasn’t striving for close, I was striving for perfection!

The recipe says to bring the butter and water to a boil. Once this happens, stir in the flour until it is incorporated and starts to form a ball. You then add the eggs, one at a time, mixing each egg in completely before adding the next one. This is generally where I mess up. I usually have help that is so helpful, I haven’t actually mixed the egg in entirely before the next is dropped in. I don’t know if this is really key, but we did it this time and worked so well.

Then you scoop them out and bake them. The directions said to bake until golden brown and crispy. I always made it to the golden brown stage but was afraid of burning them that I never really gave them the opportunity to get the right amount of crunchiness. When I made them this time, I checked them at the appointed time and then added 5 – 10 minutes, checking frequently so they didn’t burn. When I brought them out, they didn’t fall like they have in the past. They were cooked enough that they kept their shape!! They were amazing to eat plain while they were still warm…just saying.

We made the pastry cream. Usually I just use a standard pudding mix…one box mix, two cups milk. When we went to Georgia in June, I decided to mix it up a little bit. With a little guidance from a happenstance website, I added a cup of cream and a cup of milk (I’ve made it since then and have done all cream…very good, but very rich and completely unnecessary). It makes it set up thicker and gives it an amazing taste. However, I put that good cream in compacted, soft pastry puffs and it was very disappointing. This time we had it right. Amazing puffs + amazing pastry cream = amazing cream puff!!

Now, if you are a chocolate addict like me, you must have chocolate on top of the cream puff. The recipe for my chocolate glaze/frosting is my favorite. It was given to me by a friend in college and I use it any chance I get. I have always wanted it to be thicker and better than I had made, but I had never been able to get it to work. This time, we did something amazing (new favorite word for this post…sorry!). We followed the recipe…again! It says to combine the first few ingredients in a pan until it boils for a minute. I have little patience for boiling things. Lori diagnosed this problem when, after only 20 seconds, I asked if I could move one. She looked at me with a look only a sister could get away with…you know, the one that says “you’re a moron”. I continued counting to 60 (1 minute) and started getting worried when the mixture started separating in the pan. I always thought separation in food prep was a bad thing. In this case, it was the best thing that could have happened! Thick, rich, fudging frosting/glaze (honestly, it was too thick to be considered a glaze, but it was perfect on the cream puffs).

I learned through this endeavor that obedience is fine. I followed the recipes before, I did what they said. This time, however, I followed the recipe with exact obedience. In this moment, I wondered what things in my life I was being obedient to, but could be exercising exact obedience. I’ve decided that if it’s something worth doing right, whether in the kitchen, at work, or anywhere else, I am going to be doing it with exactness.

Just Like Ants

I left work late today, as I have been doing for the past several weeks. A new job means new challenges and more often than not, not enough time in the average work day to complete it all. But I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I love what I do and I really even like staying late. I get more done in the afternoon in an hour or so after most people are gone than I do a couple of hours during standard operating hours. Anyway, I was driving home today in the dark and taking note of all the lights ahead of me for as far as I could see. It reminded me of ants marching to the colony.
As I started thinking of this, I began to see many comparisons between us and the ants. I mean, we're not ants out collecting food to return it to the colony, and hopefully we're not just mindlessly walking around, following the person in front of us (with the exception of driving a car...and perhaps standing in line for a good sale or an amazing sandwich), but for better or worse, we are in the crowd trying to make it back to the colony. This thought made me ask myself a question. If I am a part of the crowd, and if I have to follow behind someone, or even several people, am I selecting a good leaders? Who do I let lead me around. Do I follow behind because I know they're heading the same place I am, or am I just stuck in my space and mindlessly following.
Well, since that was a question for my own introspection, I won't actually give you the answer. Rest assured that I'm not mindless (most of the time), and since I have been thinking about this have found some areas in my own life where I will become the leader, not the follower. If something or someone isn't going to get me back where I want to go, why would I keep going??