Some Honesty for Mother's Day

Invisible. Unseen. Unknown. Most days these are feelings that I think only apply to others, but occasionally, and almost always on Mother’s day, they apply to me. I LOVE my mother and the many women who have mothered me throughout my life. I’m grateful to see my family and friends with their families and wouldn’t take anything from them on this day of celebration. But I’ve finally decided to own the emotion I feel – I give myself permission.

As I face these emotions, and their causes vary case by case, but on this day it’s what I lack…the family I’ve always dreamed of (and I’m still working on the husband – the children are another thing entirely, but so wanted). When I share this sentiment I’m immediately bombarded with, “Oh, that day will come,” “You’re a mother now,” and “I know how you feel” (most frustratingly heard from people who were married and had children early in life). I know that day will come, eventually. I know and recognize my opportunity to mother children in my life and I don’t take that for granted; they all mean so much to me. I’m not even tackling the third one. I know people mean well, I do. But the day wears on and in general, if you don’t have children, people skip right by you. Invisible. Unseen. Unknown. Words go out the window.

I love listening to Al Fox Carraway and how she approaches prayer. She is real with Heavenly Father. No sugar coating. No blocking. No pretense. In the past, I’ve tried to hide my real emotions (which is totally stupid, I get it) because I was afraid of not being grateful, that by acknowledging my pain I was somehow disregarding all my blessings.

Today I made it to my car before I completely lost it (which is not to say there weren’t tears earlier in the day), and I mean completely. I probably should have pulled the car over as I was hyperventilating, my head was splitting in pain and I really couldn’t see straight (see, prayers are answered…I made it home safely). I was greeted by my dog who promptly demanded dinner and then I went to the couch, my head still splitting, my emotions getting the best of me. I start talking out loud - to no one - and I don’t stop. Tears are running down my face as I share every thought I have and, once again, I’m hyperventilating. I’m frustrated that no one is here to help me or reassure me; not a reassurance that these concerns will one day be “corrected,” but that I truly am seen and known. That I have value. That it’s okay to feel what I feel.

But I lay alone, my dog wiping (licking) the tears from my face. I start praying, I tell Heavenly Father everything I’ve just said. I tell him exactly what I’m feeling, how frustrated I am, how alone I feel. I ask that enough peace will come so my headache will go away. I don’t even ask for the heartache to leave – I can dwell in that. I can own that. 45 minutes pass and I realize I’m no longer crying. I start to take inventory and realize my headache is gone (both a miracle and tender mercy) and decide I can get up and make myself some dinner and prepare my seminary lesson. As I say another prayer, I thank Him that my head no longer hurts and then thank Him for all my blessings. I acknowledge all the good in my life, and there is SO MUCH GOOD, including a special visit from my favorite neighbor-girl – a major highlight of good in my life.

And here we are. There’s no change in circumstance, no prospect of change on the horizon, but I know who I am and more importantly, whose I am. I’m listening to a fireside for women on YouTube with a few of my favorite speakers (Al just spoke too, so that really lifted me up). I tune out when there is too much talk about being “mommy” because I’m just not there emotionally, yet. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week…one day soon this inadequacy will go unnoticed in myself again and I’ll smile, and it will be real. I choose to be firm, steadfast, and wait on the Lord. In the meantime - until all my dreams are realized, I will live life to the fullest. And one day, on a Mother’s day in the future perhaps, I’ll find myself at another keyboard writing and crying about the frustrations and trials of motherhood and reminiscing of the good old days when I only had my fur babies. Where the only person who leaves dishes in the sink, doesn’t put away the laundry, or sweep and mop the floor is me. Maybe one day.

Worth the Weight - Finale

I felt strongly that 2017 needed to be different for me. In years past my goals have been to go somewhere, do something, or try something new. There is certainly nothing wrong with that and I’ve enjoyed those things, but I felt a longing for something else; something more personal, more unseen, even less tangible. As I review my goals for 2017, without intending to do it I created goals that allow me to reflect, to meditate, to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not entirely on track, but I’m trying.

As I’ve tried, I discovered some things:

I am NOT a number, on a scale or otherwise.

I am NOT beautiful because I’m a certain size, shape, or any other criteria.

I am NOT valued less because I struggle.

I AM a daughter of God.

I AM beautiful and valued because I am His.

As I try to accomplish these goals, the vision I have of myself continues to improve. I promise it’s not because I’ve lost weight or fit the mold the world has told me to try to embrace. I am not of this world, and neither are you. We are each divine beings having this mortal experience.

I know this will continue to be a journey. I will have good days and bad days as we all will. I will make positive choices, and hopefully they’ll outweigh the poor decisions or moments of weakness.

Though it has been a relatively short time on this journey, I am truly LOVING who I am now and I believe it is, in part, because I'm coming to know me as God knows me, and I Him. That's the most important relationship I can ever hope to have. And that, my friends, it really worth the wait.

Worth the Weight - Part 2

In August of 2015 I was preparing to fly to Utah to meet my nephew. This should have been a most joyous time but it was so hard! There had been some conflicts I was dealing with that weren’t helping the situation at all, but my internal struggle had come to a breaking point…and it was me who was breaking.

I’m an anxious/excited traveler; I like to pack a week (or at least several days) in advance. For this trip, it was the morning I was supposed to leave and I was still debating on whether to pull my suitcase out and actually leave. I had recently discovered the show “Girl Meets World”, the remake/spin off of “Boy Meets World”. I don’t know if it was simply because I loved BMW growing up, or if it was really as cute as I thought at the time, but I fell in love with this show.  On this day in particular I watched the episode where Riley had a bully. I laid on my bed watching this episode, bawling my eyes out as I listened to Riley repeat to Maya the things her bully had said to her. The tears weren’t for her…they were for me. Those were the things I had been telling myself. I was my own worst bully!

The things I was telling myself I would never say to anyone else. Then why was it okay for me? As I laid there in shocked realization, I made a decision that I would try to become my own biggest fan, rather than my own worst bully.

Knowing what I needed to do, and doing what I needed to do were two very different things. I would attempt to tell myself something positive, then follow it up with a negative behavior (enter binge eating…another side of the eating disorder spectrum). It would go something like this: “Your hair looks nice today” (something simple and that didn’t happen often), then I’d eat something and be out of control and berate myself for not doing better. It felt like every step forward I tried to make I’d sling shot backwards (forget the simple two steps back idea).

I felt trapped in my life, like the quest to find myself was wrapped only in appearance. I knew that wasn’t true, that the size of my waist or the number on the scale somehow defined who I was. So I set myself on a mission to discover the real me again. I tried setting myself up where I was when I started this journey – with a lot of positive, non-weight related goals. Really, when 2013 started I just wanted to walk 500 miles…losing weight, though I joined Weight Watchers and worked for it, was almost an accident. I tried this in both 2016 and already in 2017.

If you remember, I had a goal wall set up. I wanted a very visual way to track my accomplishments that year. Turns out, that isn’t me either, and I took the 2017 goal wall down.

Worth the Weight - Part 1

Vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

The beauty of a blog is that you show only what you want to be seen. I've hid a lot, some because it doesn't need to be seen by the world (or by all three readers who may accidentally slip across this page), some because I didn't want to show my own weakness; I didn't want to be vulnerable.

Over the last year or so I've discovered material from Brene Brown on vulnerability. You can check out a video here. 

This, my friends, is me being vulnerable about the very topic that pushed me into shame. I'm nervous about being this open, but it's time. I need to do this for me. Because its going to be a rather long post, I'll break this up into a few segments.

Several years ago I documented my weight loss journey right here on this blog. In 2013 I lost a total of 50 pounds...and most of "me", or at least who I felt like I was.

It's kind of hard to explain unless you've been there. When my weight loss became really noticeable to others, it was as if everyone had something to say. There was quite a bit of positive feedback, and having people tell me I looked beautiful on a regular basis was nice...for a little while.

After several weeks, though, I began to wonder if no one ever thought I was beautiful before, that somehow it was only possible to be seen as such because I lost the weight. People wanted to know my "secret" (seriously, healthy diet and exercise). People wanted to hear what I'd changed. All of a sudden, people who had never spoken to me before were inviting themselves into my life...and I let them.

In January 2014 I had a total and complete breakdown. Without being overly dramatic, I was headed right to an eating disorder. On the outside I still looked as I had, but inside I was a shattered mess. I absolutely HATED myself. The worst part was that I put up walls around myself...I couldn't let anyone know what I was dealing with. I felt I was the only person who ever felt this way (reality check...not true)!

Over the next couple of years I would yo-yo with food intake, exercise level, weight gain/loss (mostly gain), and self-image. All of a sudden the only voices I could hear outside myself were people talking about how much weight they wanted to lose, how uncomfortable they felt, and bragging about how little they ate. These were women (and some men) I looked up to and admired them, not only for their looks but for their knowledge, experience, and wisdom. I wanted to be like them, but they, who I only ever dreamed of looking like, said they weren't good enough. Whatever positive self-image I had tried to regain slipped right back into obscurity. It would be impossible.

Change is Good

It's amazing what a little perspective can do. The house I bought is in different ward (what we call our local church congregation). When I moved to Georgia I was once again in the Waycross 1st Ward, the congregation of my childhood. While house hunting, I looked specifically at homes that would keep me in the ward, and able to attend church with my mom.

In April I suspended my search. There was nothing that I was falling in love with in the boundaries I had set. Then, two days later, a coworker asked if I was still looking to buy a house. She was planning to sell and looking for a buyer. The only hesitation I had was that it was in 2nd ward boundaries.

In spite of that, everything in this proposition just worked; it felt right! And it fell into place SO quickly. I had so many experiences in the time span of a few weeks that let me know I was making a right decision, to let go of fear, and trust the Lord. Truly, this has been the biggest blessing in my life.

We had a women's meeting last night and as I associated with these amazing women, I was once again filled with joy at the blessing they, and this move, have been in my life! I finally feel like I belong somewhere, something I really haven't felt in a few years. My friends and family in 1st ward are wonderful, but it was time for a change. In a time when I felt very alone and almost forsaken, Heavenly Father created this blessing for me specifically. I hope that I'm able to do a portion of good for someone else here as they are doing for me!

Embrace the change. Change is the only constant in life. And I'm beginning to learn that change is good!

Finding my Voice

I've been silent for a long time. I've been holding in many of my thoughts and feelings, knowing that by sharing any of them I open myself to feeling ALL of them, something I've been trying to avoid. A few times over the past couple of months the weight and pain have washed over me and I feel like I'm being pulled by a strong rip current to drown in these thoughts and feelings. A bit dramatic? Maybe (ok, totally), but I'm learning to respect and own my feelings. They are there for a reason.

I shared a particular story tied to these emotions with two different people in a scary but vulnerable moment. I NEEDED someone to know what I was feeling, to share that side of me. The first person reacted with questions as to the validity of my concerns, doubts that I should feel anything that I said I was feeling, and showed a surprising lack of understanding that I desperately needed. The second person listened openly and without judgement, she felt the weight of what I shared and did so without judging. I told her that I felt ridiculous to have these feelings regarding this incident (basically internalizing the responses from person number one), but she acknowledged the sense of pain/loss I was expressing and validated me.

It was interaction number two that helped me see that closing myself off to the feelings isn't the right answer, and it isn't healthy. Even now as I've accepted and am trying to own them, they wash over me with such force that I can't hardly control the tears that inevitably come. Because of person number two I don't feel broken or ashamed. I don't have the answers or reasons person number one suggested I needed, thoughts I had myself prior to sharing with her. The first conversation validated my personal fears; the second validated me.

That's what I needed, that's what we all need. To feel validated in spite of our fears. Nelson Mandela said to make our choices based on hope, not fear. I've been acting in a hopeful manner lately, trying to act in faith despite the pain. Because of person number two, I've started sharing again and I've started finding my voice.

While I have no intention of sharing the exact experience and cause of the pain I've been dealing with on this blog, I do hope to continue to use my voice as one of motivation, of encouragement, of hope. I want to once again read my own posts and feel joy as I once did. I want my testimony and the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which gives me hope, strength, and courage, to shine through my writing. There will be troubled waters ahead, but it is Him who will calm the sea and allow my voice to be heard, if only by me.

I'm Home

Well, little neglected blog, I'm here. I reread a previous post that eluded to a "big announcement", and for the life of me I couldn't remember what it was. Then I remembered:

I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!

It was, you know, a fairly significant happening in my life and then I promptly forgot to return and report! 

I've been home now since June and it is wonderful. For the first time in my life I've put down roots of my own. I'm here to stay...until it's time to go somewhere else (which I have no plans for now, I've just learned not to say never). For now, I'm right where I need to be and I feel so blessed.

I'm Worth a Lot

I've hesitated writing a post like this but it's something that has been on my mind for quite some time, is often the topic of conversation (not always of my choosing), and is something I feel very strongly about. I have had some wonderful conversations with other single women about their stance on it, mostly to see if I'm off base. Turns out we're all 1) a little stronger-willed than we may have realized and 2) confused by what society tells us.

I've gratefully been raised to be a strong and independent woman. I'm not even sure when I realized that as my identity. I'm definitely a woman of action and I'm tackling some very big things right now (big announcement coming soon!). I have goals for my life and I'm actively creating the person I want to be. Interestingly, society agrees that a woman should be independent and "successful" (quotes only because I feel there are too many definitions of success, not all of which I feel are accurate). In the workplace a woman must be strong-willed, competitive, and show no signs of emotional weakness (or any other weakness for that matter). We're supposed to "keep up" with the men (another tirade altogether).

Then we return to our personal lives and our (or at least my) feeble attempts at dating and relationships. All of a sudden, I'm supposed to be "needy": need a man to carry something, to fix something, to keep me company, to provide for me, etc. The men I've interacted with have all expressed a desire to be needed, and I get it. I also appreciate it, but I don't know how to accept it. And the thing is, this "need" goes far beyond traditional gender roles and stereotypes. Then I think of the men and feel they may have the same type of conundrum in reverse (oh my brain...chill out!).

If you're reading this, expecting some conclusion, sorry, I'm still working on it. (If you're still reading, bless you!)

I will however leave you with the following story that probably should have been left here without my rambling. It states far better what I'm thinking than I can write. I found this little gem on Facebook a couple of weeks ago (yes, that's how hesitant I've been to put this out there), and promptly forgot to get a good source reference. I think it's right on target with how I should be thinking. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound, "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life." 

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

Foundations and Fingerprints

There is a lot going on right now and many big decision are being made. I've been doing a lot of pondering, planning, and praying and taking my best shot, believing that if I'm not on the right path, Heavenly Father will redirect me.

I had come to a decision about one of the weightier matters and then last night, as I sat working on homework, doubts and fears began creeping in. I said a silent prayer right then and there that if this was still the right decision that peace would return.

Almost instantly the following lyrics to a beloved hymn came to mind. It is the third verse of "How Firm a Foundation"

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

That was His plea to me, fear not! That is His promise, He is with me! I continued with my homework last night and am moving forward with my plans today. I'm seeing miracle upon miracle unfold in my life right now. I'm truly seeing evidence of the Lord's hand making things happen for me, yet another answer to my prayers.

The Parable of the Selfie

Today in Sacrament meeting the speaker was telling a story about how, while on vacation, his son helped him improve his selfie taking skills. He said he had listened to the bishop a few weeks ago share that almost anything could be tied back to some sort of gospel-centered lesson. As I considered his experience I realized I could tie it to a little lesson.

To start, though, we have to go back a few many years. I was probably 18 and home from college. As a family we decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner. After dinner, as we always do, we walked around the store. That day they had a number of hats and my sister started putting them on me. Before long a male employee came over and was joining in the fun. At one point he grabbed a mirror and was holding it in all sorts of different positions so I could get a better look, all the while making silly comments. (This is the part where I'm told he was flirting with me but, as usual, I was completely oblivious!!) He took the mirror and held it above me and said that that was the way God saw me, from above.

Okay, fast forward to the present day. When I take a selfie I know the proper placement to take what I feel are the most flattering pictures of myself, whether that's true or not I can't be certain. That view is from above, or at least at a higher vantage point than what I normally see myself in. As our flattering friend would have said, it's the way God sees me.

I believe a loving Heavenly Father does see me in the most positive way, but I don't always see it. The picture I regularly take of myself is from every other angle really; some from eye level, some from the right or left, some from below. I need to remember that as a child of God I have every right to see myself in the same way He does. It's not in a self-righteous way. It's in line with my understanding of my eternal worth.

So as I move forward and continue taking my selfies, I hope to always live in such a way that they will always reflect the way God sees me.

Pray Always

It's the weekend before Christmas; I finished my class, my baking business has been closed, work is going great and I'm staring down a four day weekend coming up. I've found a great group of friends and we spend quite a bit of time together building positive relationships and having fun, which we all need to do, right? Really, things couldn't be going better. Yet in the midst of it all I'm struggling. I've been sharp this week, to my family especially. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can but feel like I keep hitting a brick wall. Logically I understand I shouldn't feel this way but it is hanging with me.

Today it finally reached a breaking point, and in the grocery store no less. Yes, I started crying for no apparent physical reason, but inside my heart hurt so badly. But really, how embarrassing! I should have at least pretended to have tripped and fallen so as to warrant such behavior. But no, I just stood there crying (though they did open a lane especially for me...or because it's the Saturday before Christmas and it was busy...who knows). I escaped as quickly as I could and got home, feeling relieved to have gotten the groceries into the kitchen. Having locked the door behind me, I went to the couch and gave myself permission to cry it out for five minutes before getting up and working on the to-do list (have I mentioned it's the weekend before Christmas??).

At the appointed time I got up, put the groceries away and realized I had one package that HAD to be mailed today so off to the post office I went, assuming the waterworks were over. BIG MISTAKE! Standing in line at the post office I could feel this wave of tears coming back toward shore and ready to break. PLEASE, give me a break!! I finally get to the counter and can feel my eyes burning and that horrid lump in my throat. You know the one; the one that will stay put as long as you don't open your mouth to speak, but once you do it's game over. My sweet cashier noticed my red eyes and heard the sniffles as I tried to choke it all back and asked if I was struggling with allergies. Why can't I be coy and play off an answer like that?? I tried to say it had just been a rough morning and well, you guessed it, the lump in my throat escaped and so did the tears. Bless her heart, she was so patient and kind and simply said she'd say a prayer for me. She told me it was all going to be okay and that I was doing fine, words I desperately needed to hear (apparently). Now there's no stopping the tears at this point so I try to quickly gather my things and make it back to my car. The next thing I know she grabs my hand and asks if she can say a prayer with me right there. This is something that has never happened to me before, at least not in this way, but there in the post office this sweet woman took a moment and prayed for me.

She doesn't know my name or the things troubling me. She doesn't know my background, religious affiliation, or anything else. But this wonderful woman, from one Christian woman to another, saw a sister in need and stepped in at the VERY moment it was needed, and boy did I need it!

As I've pondered the events of this day I kept coming back to the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 10:5 which says:

"Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work."


My heart still feels troubled, especially when I stop working and sit idly. But in the midst of it I feel this peace. I know that this trouble comes from many sources, one being exhaustion which always gets me, and the other Satan. While I don't want to offer him any more credit than he's already due, I know that my spiritual defenses are down when I'm tired and I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings quite as easily. That is one reason why I believe we are commanded to bear one anothers burdens. Today my burdens were too much for me to carry alone and it took the hands of a caring stranger but fellow sister in Christ to help me remove some of the load and readjust the rest.

We must pray always to not only keep our own lamps burning brightly, but we need to be ready to aid a fellow traveler on our journey Home.

Merry Christmas everyone! I'm so grateful for this time each year to celebrate and remember the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. He is the gift I need each and every day and I hope I strive to come to discover Him a bit more each and every day.

One Voice

It appears I'm now a once a semester blogger. Good grief! So much has been happening. It's been an amazing semester and I've learned so much. I'm LOVING school again and have been given an opportunity to open a bakery even. Granted it's running from my home and only in operation for about six weeks, but I'm learning. I attended Time Out for Women and Whitney Johnson talked about dating our dreams. She shared about her dreams of becoming a singer. Instead of dropping everything else in her life to go to music school she took a few voice lessons. She said that she wanted to date singing, but singing didn't want to date her. So, I feel like I'm dating "professional" baking (nothing is swaying my feeling of personal baking). It seems to like me but I'm not sure I'm ready to pursue a long term relationship with "professional" baking. It's a truly great experience and I'm grateful to be having it.

But really, that's not what is on my mind tonight (though it is what is in my stomach...next business project I'm taking up dog walking). Recently The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) updated a policy on membership eligibility for children of parents in same gender relationships. I'm not here to open any can of worms, or to debate, or anything like that. I will say that I choose to follow the prophet, end of story. He is in direct communication with a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of each and every one of us. I don't understand all of the reasons, and it isn't something I have to confront personally day in and day out, but some of that is why it's called faith. The thought I continue to have is that there IS a loving Heavenly Father who knows EVERYTHING. While it may be "just" an update to policy, what's to say there aren't changes coming elsewhere in this messed up world that this type of policy may protect. That's just food for thought, something I'm mulling over as the days pass and I continue to see the many outbursts of friends on social media who feel hurt, betrayed, or rejected. It reminds me of Elder M. Russell Ballard's talk "Stay In the Boat and Hold On". The Church is the boat and Christ is our captain. We don't have to understand everything that happens, but we can pray for peace, we can pray for strength in the knowledge and testimony that we DO currently have. That testimony will be strengthened as we continue to exercise faith where we stand.

The second thing I've observed and that has rubbed me the wrong way is another blog I've read. This post isn't meant to attack anyone so there will be no names used, it's strictly my observation and opinion. This LDS (Mormon) blogger shared their very strong feelings on this same issue and received a lot of backlash from the rest of the blogging world. This person made a great point...this was their opinion on their site. The feedback was brutal and unkind. It hurt me that people feel that the anonymity of the internet somehow removes the need for kindness, love, and understanding. We obviously don't all have to agree, that's the beauty of it, but there should always be respect. I expect people to respect my position in support President Thomas S. Monson as the Lord's prophet on the earth today and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as a whole, just as much as I expect to respect their decisions and beliefs. In this particular instance I do have a differing opinion of the post I read, but I respect this person's right to their stance and appreciate the open honesty they feel to share.

In the meantime, I will continue to follow the prophet, love and respect all of my friends, and strive to be a disciple of Christ. I have much work to do on the latter but I will do my best every day. I'm one voice, one simple voice, but I will be heard even in my small corner of the internet.

What I Learned Through Education

Another semester has come and, thankfully, gone. This course above all others required so much more of me than I was prepared to give. I chalk it up to inspiration that I dropped my second course the week before school began. Before I proceed and it sounds like I'm just whiny about hard work and deadlines let me just say that is not the case. I am not afraid to roll up my sleeves and dig in. I may not enjoy it but I will stay up late, change plans, and work ahead to make sure I meet my deadlines.I'm generally known to be quite the procrastinator but I find I can't even consider it in my schoolwork (perhaps I should be in school full time).

With that out of the way the deadlines were RIDICULOUS!! Being two time zones away doesn't help anything. I understand pushing us to succeed but the class allowed us two days for some of these projects - it was INSANE!!  And sometimes it felt like less because we weren't given video instruction until Tuesday night for an assignment due for critique on Wednesday (which I always wanted to receive) for final submission on Thursday. There was even an assignment that took over 15 hours...for ONE assignment. But we made it. :)

Admittedly I push myself way too hard. My first college experience left MUCH to be desired and I earned grades then I am not proud of. I'm working twice as hard, it seems, to make up for it. There were nights this semester, weekly and sometimes more, where I would be so tired and stressed that I would collapse on the floor in tears, literally, crying out in prayer for strength just to make it through one more night (it sounds so embarrassing now but I believe in laying out the facts). I would call my mom and ask her just to tell me it was going to be okay. She would faithfully answer and then pray with me, sometimes over the phone, sometimes she'd come to my house. Always prayer brought the peace and strength to move forward.

I learned so much this semester. I learned about image design, Photoshop, Lightroom, and InDesign. I learned about photography, color schemes, and typography. And I LOVED it!! I'd take it again in a heartbeat (if the deadlines were adjusted just slightly, of course). But what I learned above everything else was the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I learned in ways I can't explain that He truly is interested in the very minute details of our lives. He is the ultimate Creator and I firmly believe that as we strive to create He will work with us if we turn to Him. I learned SO QUICKLY that I couldn't do this on my own. Some of it was deadline worry, and some was outright fear of the assignments. It didn't matter what I was doing, when I prayed and sought Heaven's help I received it.

It wasn't always the help I expected either. Sometimes I would remember a piece of instruction I had received from the instructor. Other times it was a thought of where to look for help. Sometimes it came in the form of words from a classmate. And other times it was a remembrance of something I had "seen" previously. Those were the most special ones to me. In one particular assignment I had to create a movie poster. Several months ago as I fought through a hard time I was wishing I could draw this design around me that was dark below and bright above. I don't see trying times as a left shoulder/right shoulder type image (think of the little shoulder angel/devil cartoons we always see). When I have hard times I physically feel brought down, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Fast forward months later to this assignment and as I was sketching out any idea I could think of (and there weren't many) a thought came to mind of this poster I had imagined. Some may call it coincidence, but it wasn't. I was prompted and inspired to remember that image in a moment of need.

It really was an amazing experience this semester. I wish we had longer to really practice our skills with the tools we had in this course. While I may not have the design tools available, the spiritual tools and experiences I had throughout the semester are a part of me now and forever.

If you're interested I've included my portfolio of designs for the semester.

Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie Layer Cake

I love to bake (surprise, surprise)!! I'm always looking for either a reason to bake or the next big thing to experiment with. Last Friday night was the annual youth cake auction to raise funds to send the young men and young women to their respective summer camps. I had my reason and I found what I deemed my next big thing! I was SO excited I couldn't hardly wait. I also found out that you can make the layers of this AMAZING "cake" ahead of time and freeze them until ready to assemble. I can only attest to this for up to a week, so tread carefully on your own after that. :)

Let me introduce you to the Ultimate Layered Chocolate Chip Cookie Layer Cake.

YUM!!

Photo Cred: Life, Love & Sugar

My version!

Okay, so I thought my version was very similar to the original, but for a first attempt and my own perceived lack of cake decorating skill I thought it turned out pretty good! I already know I'll do better next time (and I'm working on make this on a smaller scale...stay tuned). Regardless, I'm so proud of this cake and loved the adventure trying something new. If/When I open my bakery/restaurant, this is SOOOOOO going on the menu. :)

Creating Experiences

A follow up to the post regarding the YSA conference I attended focuses on the lessons I learned from listening to Abe Mills speak. Like his wife he shared many thoughts that touched my heart and really spoke to me. At this time though (and I'd like to point out that it is 3:30 IN THE MORNING and I'm at work) I only have the mental capacity to share this one thought. Let me explain.

Abe talked about how we have goals, dreams, and plans for our lives. We focus on what we want to accomplish but we don't always focus on creating the experiences that we need in order to reach these ambitions. I've realized over the last several weeks that I've become a bit complacent in my commitment to how I live the gospel and I'm trying to break myself and regain the ground that I've willingly given back or simply neglected and lost my footing on. I needed to create an experience in which I could get back on track.

On Saturday I thought about the Time Out for Women event I attended several years ago and longed to have that type of experience again. It had to have been inspiration that I thought instantly to search YouTube for TOFW videos. Do you know what I found? TONS of them!!!

When I have a few minutes I select another video to watch and love what these 1-5 minute clips teach me and allow me to feel. Tonight I got to come to work the night shift and have been here since 11 p.m. As you may imagine it is pretty quiet in the office. Last year when I covered a later shift I put movies on in the background. In all honesty, that was what I planned to do tonight. Instead I thought of these videos again and have now spent the last several hours being spiritually fed in ways that I hadn't planned.

I know when we allow even a few minutes to have experiences that draw us closer to God, He reaches out to us and magnifies that time. He truly wants us to come to Him and honors whatever time we allow Him. I'm going to include a few of my favorite clips.