I have never been diagnosed with “depression” (okay, so I’ve never talked to a doctor about it because I feel that “it’s not that bad” and “I can deal with it”, also I don’t want to end up with a pill-pushing doctor if I can deal with this on my own or through other means), though I certainly see those tendencies in myself, and more so over the last year or so as so much in my life has changed. It would seem I don’t tolerate change as well as I used to (whatever that means). When I feel depressed, those are the thoughts that monopolize my mind, and as I’ve written, I feel that those are more of the thoughts that are shared than the joy and happiness I know I feel, though it may not be the feeling of the moment.
With that in mind, I’m going to try to transition/improve the mood of my blog. Less down days, more uplifting thoughts. Less “self-defeating” (not quite the phrase I’m looking for, but it will work for now), more positive reinforcement. Regardless of the moment by moment events of my days and weeks, whether good or bad, I have an AMAZING life! I have been blessed beyond my comprehension and directed in all the areas of my life. The decisions I have made have been in an attempt to follow the Savior and to live righteously and I know in my heart that each piece, though individually may not look like much, is part of the big puzzle that is my life. I’m reminded of a poem I memorized after listening to a talk by John Bytheway. Offhand I don’t remember the author he cited, but it goes like this.
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, he worketh steadily
Oft times He weaveth sorrow, and I, in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful weaver’s hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
So, here is to a brand new day, a new outlook, a new love and appreciation for the things I’ve been given and the lessons I’ve learned. I guess it’s safe to say that had I not experienced the things (good and bad) that I have in my life to this point, I wouldn’t have come to these same conclusions, or at least not at this time. In the words of Josh Groban, “There’s so much to be grateful for”.