Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Changing Course

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about changing courses; about making a plan or decision and then at some point having to, or choosing to, alter it. I’ve realized in my life that very rarely have I made a decision and then followed through with it exactly. I’ve lived a life that I hadn’t really imagined for myself. I graduated high school and went to college fully anticipating that at the completion of a 4 year degree, I would be a kindergarten teacher. After one semester, I knew that a change was needed and I imagined myself entering the business world and climbing the corporate ladder. After that semester I ended up taking a break to save money and really decide what I wanted. Somewhere in there (about a year or so later), we were off to Boston and I found myself entering the corporate world.
That plan hasn’t gone the way I pictured either, just in case you were wondering. I went through a strange man-hating phase while we lived here. I knew some of the best men I’ve ever known in the ward we attended in Boston but, unfortunately, they weren’t the majority of people I knew. I saw them once a week at church and dreamed of one day finding a great guy just like them. But then Monday would roll around and it was back to the office of men who didn’t value or respect women, who felt women didn’t belong in “their world”, and, well, you get the idea. I realized that if I wanted to stay in the corporate world, I would have to change. And for a while, I did. I became SUPER independent. I had something to prove…I didn’t need anyone, especially not a man. Luckily, it only lasted three years (I know, only) and then I was off to Utah.
Utah wasn’t in my plans I had for myself. Well, they were every once in a while, but never seriously. When I moved there, I had no idea what to expect for my future. I had worked myself into this idea that I didn’t need anyone and was somewhere between talking myself into and out of wanting to get married someday, attempting to decide if I would be willing to change yet again to allow anyone into my life – even new friends. But, I got to Utah and, thanks to a wonderful sister and her great group of friends, I was welcomed in with open arms. I met so many great people, but the biggest shock of all was how many GREAT guys there were! These were not the men I was used to dealing with. I was used to men who were manipulative, greedy, chauvinistic, and all around unpleasant. These guys were so clean cut, considerate, and fun to be around…so totally opposite from what I thought I knew. This was another turning point (and one for the best!!).
So many things about Utah were unplanned, or at least different from what I had planned. Then Georgia crept in and I was off again. As my fingers fly over the keys and I recount some of the events from the last several years, I realize how many times my plans changed, with or without my knowledge at times. I realize how much I’ve changed and how it’s made me who I am today.
For the first time in my life I’m not making plans. I’m not looking for the escape hatch, or creating a loophole for myself. For the first time in my life, I feel settled, like I’ve found exactly what I’ve been searching for – I feel at peace in my life, and I realize now, that wasn’t what I planned either but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

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