I just have to say that I'm having some of the most incredible experiences of my life right now! This week I've learned some things that have hurt me, that have caused me in some ways to backtrack in some of the progress I have made. But at the same time, these same things are becoming building blocks for me. They are a normal part of life and progression. Also, I've been given some of the greatest gifts this week, and they have NOTHING to do with things.
I have found myself questioning my worth, why I don't feel good enough, why I let others make me feel less than what I am. That is a scary path for me. That is the type of path that sends me into depression. As these thoughts have entered my mind, I've really had to dig deep and find within myself these feelings of worth. I may not feel like I'm worth anything to anyone else, but I know I'm worth everything to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As I contemplate that, I feel an abounding warmth and in my heart I feel that I AM good enough and that I should NEVER permit anyone to treat me less than what I am, the daughter of a king.
Along with these thoughts, I began to ponder where I would be if I hadn't made some of the critical decisions I have made within the last year or so. As I replay certain events or decisions, I have an idea of where I would have ended up. Every decision I have made has led me here, to this particular moment in my life. Some of the decisions I made were not good, some were painful, but most were right for me. But here I am, at this moment, and do you know what I've found? As much as I hurt sometimes, as much as I wonder what on earth I'm doing here, yesterday I realized that I'm beginning to see the woman I always hoped I'd be. My life isn't exactly where I had planned it to be. It has taken twists and turns that I never expected. But as I was sitting with friends last night discussing the gospel, I realized that I ended up exactly where I needed to be.
There truly are many roads that will lead us to where we need to be and will help us become the people we need to become. We all make our own choices, but if we do so utilizing the gift of the Holy Ghost, we will ALWAYS come to the place that our Heavenly Father wants us to be. He will not let us fail. Perhaps he will let us fall (but not without providing aid), but as we pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and allow Him to help us, we CANNOT fail!!
The gifts I have been given are some INCREDIBLE friends and some amazing time with them!! Heavenly Father and I have been talking a lot, and I have been expressing some desire over the last several months to just get out! I didn't want to be in this place, I was feeling incredibly isolated and friendless (sometimes I'm a bit dramatic). But I just kept feeling this overwhelming feeling that I am in the right place, that I just need to sit tight. He knows what I'm going through and He knows what I need. He sent me friends to spend time with, to teach me, and to love me. He has given me opportunities to serve, to travel, to experience life to its fullest. As things unfold this summer, I am beginning to see that He does have a plan for me. And that plan may be as simple as helping me to find my own happiness. He does LOVE us all and is ALWAYS there for us. Sometimes its just hard for us to see that.
And because I just LOVE this quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, I'm going to share it (...again - I've talked about this before). "In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike...you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection." (For Times of Trouble, Mar 1980)