Monday, March 25, 2013

The Lord is My Light

There is a vicious cycle happening in my life. Tuesdays through Saturdays are great days. Sure, there are ups and downs, but overall they are also good days and I feel good. And then it's Sunday. Sunday’s are really interesting days. They are busy and I feel good because I get to go to church and I always come away feeling uplifted (and usually exhausted, but it’s all good). Sunday afternoons I end up spending way too much alone time in my head. I think of the way things used to be, I think of the things I’m doing and not doing with my life, what I’ve accomplished and not accomplished, I look at what I feel like I’m missing and what I’ve “given up” and I see myself going into this “pit” of emotional woe. I see it happening and I try to put a stop to it. Relief either comes from taking a nap, cooking (seriously, it’s therapeutic to me), or from getting outside or going to visit someone. Sometimes I’m not quick enough, or I slip so silently into this other realm that it makes it really difficult to come back. It’s a very dark place for me and I don’t like to be there. If I do go there, Monday’s are harder than they should be.

Today started out as one of those Mondays, and the sad thing is that Sunday was really quite great. I felt myself slipping and I took action and tried to steer myself away. And I thought I had done pretty well…and then I woke up. I’m working day by day, week by week, to put an end to these feelings. These dark feelings have no place in my life, not now, not ever! Dark and light cannot exist in the same place at the same time! 

Each time I do struggle with these feelings though, I spend a lot of time praying which is a good thing (I could be doing who know what, right??). My prayers during these times are usually quite simple. I state what I know: that Heavenly Father knows me, that I love Him and that I really do trust Him (despite the worry I cause myself…I’m a work in progress), and that I know that He loves me and He has a plan for my life. I ask for help: simple peace and comfort, a calming of my mind and spirit. Every single time He answers me. He answers ME! Sometimes he sends something to make me smile and lift my spirits. Some days it’s a friend with encouraging words. Sometimes it’s the lyrics to a song. It can be a million things, but it always answers my plea. It doesn’t always come right away, but it always comes! 

Today it was multiple things. It was a phone call from my dear friend, Shelly, who I’m travelling to see next week. She always knows what to say to lift me up. 20 minutes after that it was an email from my missionary friend, Kadi, who informed me she is allowed to email now. She wrote EXACTLY what I needed to hear (seriously it was as if I had written all the troubles I had and she was responding). It was what I knew all along; it was Heavenly Father’s way of reminding me He’s still in charge. And then it was me walking back to my office after lunch, enjoying the sunshine (despite the arctic type wind that has decided to descend on southeast Georgia) and the words to the hymn “The Lord is my Light” popped in my head and I had to sing. I just kept singing over and over “The Lord is my Light, my all and in all. There is in his sight no darkness at all.” I needed that! The Lord is my Light. It is through Him I am able to do all things. I may have these dark moments, but they don’t define me and they don’t trap me (at least not like they used to). So please don’t mind me if you catch me singing. More than likely there is sunshine in my soul coming out in song. 

1. The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?
By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring. 

The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night he leads,
He leads me along. 

2. The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies
Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

3. The Lord is my light, the Lord is my strength.
I know in his might I’ll conquer at length
My weakness in mercy he covers with pow’r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest ev’ry hour. 

4. The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in his sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.
With Saints and with angels his praises I’ll sing.

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